What a year....

It's that time again...when we look back and sigh as we mull over the years calamities and disasters...and smile as we remember the things we did ultimately manage to achieve, the happy joyous moments..and whatever else we are fortunate enough to smile over.
I've made it a priority over the years to take some time out, sit quietly and meditate over these events. those i'd love to repeat and those situations I hope NEVER to repeat.
Evidently in life there are some things that are simply out of our hands and happen through no fault of our own..on the other hand there many things that we allow, if not choose to happen and now is as good a time as any to reflect upon our idiotic actions and try to learn from our mistakes.
I look back and consider the huge array of emotions that i have lived throughout this last year; from the health issues that created an atmosphere of tension and fear, leading ultimately to an operation that left the surgeon shocked and surprised by what he found..though accompanied by huge relief from us all that it was not the C - word we had all feared.
A year spent recovering from the loss of one of the most important relationships of my life; A door I have only these last few days been finally able to close for good...or so I tell myself.
A journey of new relationships, friendships, highs, lows, new discoveries, rediscoveries...new home, new job...I can at least console myself that monotony is not a word that could be applied to my life!
And yet..amongst the excitement and upheaval..some stability is most definately craved for; a stability that perhaps is best defined by continuity, familiarity..change is good, though some change is just downright stressful and takes up a large chunk of ones life that would preferably be dedicated to other things that could ultimately enhance ones life...like my novel for example.
The NOVEL-how can i describe that feeling of something that lies dormant in my brain..yet ever present..that something that has absorbed me in such a way as no other; nothing has ever captured my imagination..it is like a destructive love affair, an unresolved issue..eating away at you- leading to a feeling of incompleteness.
I'm aware that this sounds self indulgent,an exaggeration of what to most may seem a minor issue..but more and more I have come to realize that those of us who do not realize our destinies and use our talents...well we live with a perpetual sensation of emptiness..aware that there is always something missing.
How long since i've written this blog? Again something minor to many..but something of importance and huge relief to me to be back, connected and able to express myself with the written word.Yeah, a pen and paper have always been at hand. Internet is NOT the be all and end all but it bloody helps with those feelings of isolation, particularly when one is temporarily incapacitated.
As i write I am able to face my demons in such a way that they no longer seem so demon like after all..The fear that i will never ever love as i have loved recently..the fear that following the end of such love I would become an emotional cripple..well, im relieved to say the pain slowly dissipates..it doesn't completely disappear but it no longer threatens to choke me and overcome me..the dark moments are fewer and fewer..he may always remain present but my heart can cope.It is strong, as am I.
I've had to learn to cry..and realize it's ok to cry.The fear ( Yes that sensation has also been ever present ) that I would simultaneously implode and explode if I allowed those feelings to surface..well that fear was unfounded. I'm still here. Post op-Post love.
we are stronger than we can ever imagine.
The fact that we are living in times of utmost instability and collosal change evidently also
has an impact on our sense of mental and emotional stability..well at least for many of us. In the meantime, I'm taking a step back from revolution and quietly observing on the sidelines whilst I concentrate on getting myself back to where I need to be in order to make a difference to myself and ultimately to those around me.
Yep, this is one long rant of introspection..yet as I write, the years events come racing back to me, replayed over and over in my mind.
Time to look forward to the coming year, with less trepidation and MORE anticipation.