Finally-The Novel is on its way! 'A Thousand Miles From Nowhere'. What a journey and still a long way to go...but simply having the drive and motivation back means so much and now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Writing can be such a solitary journey at times...so personal-locked in your own little bubble-disconnected from the reality around you. Sweet and Sour for sure. Ultimately, If you don't believe in yourself and your art then sure as Hell noone else will.

The C word...

February 2013. For the first time I haven't done my NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS...however instead I shall attempt short term goals. Getting back on here is one of them. Changing the name is another. Don't be surprised if it changes again. C is for cunt and Cancer was the original name based on my experiences and fears with regards to the Ovarian Tumor that in the end never existed. Thank God! A few minutes ago my ten year old asked what the C word stood for and CALAMITY was the first word that sprung to mind! Oh Dear and that is me having a good day! It can be whatever I feel like. Actually I did say that too because my parents were listening....some things are not for grandparent's ears! Well, let's see what 2013 brings and how proactive I am this year..

Down and out in Dubai

A brief reflection on my 10 days in Dubai It’s not every day that I get the opportunity to take a trip for free, particularly a trip of such magnitude; In one way we could call it the trip of a lifetime. I call it such for a number of reasons and not just the fact that everything was free, or the opportunity to stay in a billionaire’s property on the infamous “palm” or the fact we were given a glimpse into a world far removed from our own. Actually, it is all of those and many more. In all honesty, it would never have been on my list of choices as a trip of a lifetime. In fact, if there is a God, he or she has a somewhat random and ironic sense of humour; Dubai probably represents everything I abhor: Ostentation and decadence to the extreme just to name a few. Particularly leaving behind a country that can only be described as being on the brink of economic disaster (actually no it already IS an economic disaster) where just about everything is failing and an entire generation may never work again, well I kind of felt like Cinderella climbing out her pumpkin (My old Fiat Punto) and into my carriage (Emirates airlines!) and jetting off into a fantasy world. (This is the point where I should point out that primarily the reason for our trip was to visit my sister who has been living and working in the region for over a year now and through her friendship with said very wealthy person the trip materialised: Free air miles and free accommodation and so forth. It was also a bit of a mission with regards to potential work for me.) And so the journey begins…let’s just say the flight in itself was an adventure. Outstanding customer service from the crew at Emirates (No they didn’t pay me to say that!) attention to detail was amazing, almost too much attention: Air hostess one; “I love your curly hair I wish I had hair like that” Air hostess two; “Wow! Great tan. You don’t need to go on holiday.” Hmm, either I’m having a particularly good hair and tan day, or this is customer service like I’ve never experienced it before. Whilst my parents and I, technophobes that we are, grappled with the in- flight entertainment system, my ten year old daughter irritably showed us the ropes. With great food, fab films and excellent choice of music, the dreaded 7 hours flew by (excuse the pun) Upon our arrival I suffered from a mild form of culture shock: I was unprepared for the glitzy ultra -modern airport, the heat, the blokes in “Kandura “or also known locally as “Dishdasha” (dresses to you and me!) the women in “Abaya” and just about everything quite honestly. I’m aware I’m sounding dangerously like a country bumpkin on a first visit to the big city but yes it was an assault on the senses. East meets west with one almighty bang. I became a Japanese tourist in disguise, unashamedly snapping away at everything that fascinated me. And that was pretty much everything. Dubai seems to have the biggest or tallest or the one and only of everything…so if you like them big, tall and unique, Dubai is the place for you. As we sped through the city, sorry let me rephrase that, crawled (it was the ONLY time we crawled due to an incredibly thick fog that cloaked the city making the journey somewhat frightening to say the least. Every other journey was more like the Grand Prix.) My sister attempted to point out some of the sights whilst dodging some of the insane taxi drivers and Ferrari drivers, of which there are MANY, who evidently had NO FEAR! Despite the fog I was able to make out some of the incredible skyscrapers so brightly lit we could have been in Las Vegas. Kitsch but impressive was my initial observation. The Palm Jumeirah, where we were fortunate enough to be staying, is for those of you who don’t know; an artificial island (Palm shaped obviously!) apparently four times the size of Hyde park, once termed ·The eighth wonder of the world, that adds another 40 miles to Dubai’s coastline, is filled with luxury villas and hotels and has many famous residents. It also has the famous hotel resort “The Atlantis” another impressive structure (just for a change!) which seems to have everything including a famous aquarium and its own famous international music festival on one of its private beaches. Interesting stuff. The villas are located on “fronds” in other words, the branches of the palm. It was attractive, tasteful and I was more than happy to spend 10 days there. So, what is all the fuss about I hear you asking? Well for the observer like myself, who does not just look but SEES, it is quite something to see; the Dubai skyline with the tallest building in the world, The ” Burj Khalifa” towering above the city at 829.84 meters, the biggest shopping mall in the world, The only 7 star hotel in the world “The Burj al Arab”. It is a shopaholics paradise. It is the business and shopping centre of the Middle East. And then there are the Kandura clad Arabs racing around the city in countless luxury vehicles, indeed never in my life have I seen so many Ferraris, Maserati and oh yeah, a Bugatti, Aston Martin etc etc. ( We come from Surrey darling, we are used to seeing a few top notch vehicles don’t you know!) To the extent that you’d be better off trying to count the amount of “normal” (that word appears alot here as you’ll see) vehicles being as they were in the minority. I had the feeling I was time travelling. I tried to imagine myself back in the former Dubai, Dubai the desert, with its nomadic Bedouin tribes, The Oasis and Okay so I digress but maybe you catch my drift. What I’m trying to say is; it was all totally SURREAL to me. This Disneyland in the desert. I’m aware it was my first time in this part of the world and after a time it may well begin to appear MORE normal but in any case, I’m pretty sure Dubai is not an accurate representation of the Middle East; it is pretty much unique. As I attempted to sit back, observe, enjoy, absorb and just be, there was still a slight nagging feeling that there must be something more, something more normal ( that damned word again) going on here beyond the obvious opulence, glitz that I was unable to capture in a mere 10 days as a tourist. The haunting call to prayer, was a daily reminder of the fact that we were in The Middle East, In an Islamic culture, and I wondered how they were able to align their spiritualty with the superficiality around them, or indeed was that THE answer? That was what kept their feet on the ground in this Dubai Disneyland? It was a relief to discover the old quarter; the hustle and bustle of the souks, the creek with its old dhows (flat wooden vessels which seem to balance precariously on the water ) some authenticity amongst the plastic. Another memorable moment was when we discovered a gallery representing the works of young people with special needs (Outstanding, quality works of art I’d like to point out) One such piece read “Everything happens for a reason”. Hmm. Think I was being told something there. So, we can see I’m struggling with the overt decadence; I have nothing against people enjoying their well -earned money, but this was becoming a bit much, a bit distasteful dare I say it. I tried not to stare at the immigrant workers and wonder…wonder how well they are paid and treated. So Instead I tried to sit back and enjoy and disconnect and what a great way with the joys of shisha! Just like the locals, including the well covered ladies, as I puffed away on the Hookah pipe. Now as a non- smoker the flavoured tobacco was quite tasty and I got quite a “rush” maybe due to the fact I later found out they can contain so much tobacco, up to the equivalent of 200 cigarettes! So when not getting a rush on the Shisha we continued our sightseeing and I continued snapping away at everything, including the face of the Sheik, (Sheik Bin Rashid Al Maktoum the much revered leader) which seemed to be everywhere. I amused myself with the thought of Rajoy’s face on every street corner and concluded that no, not in my lifetime at least! The “local” cuisine was tasty, though it seemed to mainly be Lebanese and other Middle eastern cuisine as what would have been “typical” Bedouin fare was quite simple stuff including dates, camel milk and meat and fish. I’ll pass on the Camel Thanks! (One amusing fact I noted was the fast food KFC, McDonalds etc was cheaper than here and relatively larger portions. Yes, am guilty of eating KFC once whilst away.) As we reached the end of the sightseeing, including beautiful parks, museums and galleries (my mother and I must have been the only female tourists in the history of Dubai that refused to visit the biggest shopping mall in the world!) I began to conclude.. Fascinating indeed; yes, as long as my sister is there I would return to continue investigating (it’s the nature of the beast) Did I leave my CVS in case things deteriorate further here? Yes. Can I imagine living there? With difficulty. I’m aware there is still so much I haven’t seen or learnt, or yet to understand but living somewhere is oh so different to being a tourist as I know from being resident in sunny España for so long. I’m not at liberty here to discuss the person who showed us so much hospitality and generosity, just that his behaviour and attitude equally fascinated me; I’ve seen people with not even a tenth of his wealth behave in a more arrogant and ostentatious manner, just to begin. But the small glimpse into his life was indeed something most of us won’t see every day. But that is another story. On that note, whilst we listened to “Pink Floyd”, on came the track “Money” I joked that it should be the national anthem of Dubai. He asked why! Doh! Or is it just me?

We are everything and nothing.....to be continued...

We are everything and nothing

Lovers but strangers
Together but apart
A something that could be anything

A collision yet a division
Married but divorced
Friend but foe
You are with me yet so without me

The end of the world yet the rebirth of a universe
The truth revealed in our lying eyes
So near yet so far
A contradiction is but what we are

We are nothing. We are everything.

What a year....

It's that time again...when we look back and sigh as we mull over the years calamities and disasters...and smile as we remember the things we did ultimately manage to achieve, the happy joyous moments..and whatever else we are fortunate enough to smile over.
I've made it a priority over the years to take some time out, sit quietly and meditate over these events. those i'd love to repeat and those situations I hope NEVER to repeat.
Evidently in life there are some things that are simply out of our hands and happen through no fault of our own..on the other hand there many things that we allow, if not choose to happen and now is as good a time as any to reflect upon our idiotic actions and try to learn from our mistakes.
I look back and consider the huge array of emotions that i have lived throughout this last year; from the health issues that created an atmosphere of tension and fear, leading ultimately to an operation that left the surgeon shocked and surprised by what he found..though accompanied by huge relief from us all that it was not the C - word we had all feared.
A year spent recovering from the loss of one of the most important relationships of my life; A door I have only these last few days been finally able to close for good...or so I tell myself.
A journey of new relationships, friendships, highs, lows, new discoveries, rediscoveries...new home, new job...I can at least console myself that monotony is not a word that could be applied to my life!
And yet..amongst the excitement and upheaval..some stability is most definately craved for; a stability that perhaps is best defined by continuity, familiarity..change is good, though some change is just downright stressful and takes up a large chunk of ones life that would preferably be dedicated to other things that could ultimately enhance ones life...like my novel for example.
The NOVEL-how can i describe that feeling of something that lies dormant in my brain..yet ever present..that something that has absorbed me in such a way as no other; nothing has ever captured my imagination..it is like a destructive love affair, an unresolved issue..eating away at you- leading to a feeling of incompleteness.
I'm aware that this sounds self indulgent,an exaggeration of what to most may seem a minor issue..but more and more I have come to realize that those of us who do not realize our destinies and use our talents...well we live with a perpetual sensation of emptiness..aware that there is always something missing.
How long since i've written this blog? Again something minor to many..but something of importance and huge relief to me to be back, connected and able to express myself with the written word.Yeah, a pen and paper have always been at hand. Internet is NOT the be all and end all but it bloody helps with those feelings of isolation, particularly when one is temporarily incapacitated.
As i write I am able to face my demons in such a way that they no longer seem so demon like after all..The fear that i will never ever love as i have loved recently..the fear that following the end of such love I would become an emotional cripple..well, im relieved to say the pain slowly dissipates..it doesn't completely disappear but it no longer threatens to choke me and overcome me..the dark moments are fewer and fewer..he may always remain present but my heart can cope.It is strong, as am I.
I've had to learn to cry..and realize it's ok to cry.The fear ( Yes that sensation has also been ever present ) that I would simultaneously implode and explode if I allowed those feelings to surface..well that fear was unfounded. I'm still here. Post op-Post love.
we are stronger than we can ever imagine.
The fact that we are living in times of utmost instability and collosal change evidently also
has an impact on our sense of mental and emotional stability..well at least for many of us. In the meantime, I'm taking a step back from revolution and quietly observing on the sidelines whilst I concentrate on getting myself back to where I need to be in order to make a difference to myself and ultimately to those around me.
Yep, this is one long rant of introspection..yet as I write, the years events come racing back to me, replayed over and over in my mind.
Time to look forward to the coming year, with less trepidation and MORE anticipation.

The uninvited guest on my ovary that may never have existed..

This Blog is called C is for CUNTS and CANCER for two simple reasons;
The world is full of both of them!

Now; I hope I´m not one, though being female I evidently possess one and two, hopefully will never suffer from the other, though for many months I was fearful of having a Tumor ( Annoying C**t!) which now seems to have been misdiagnosed....
Moral dilemma coming up: Just prasie the lord that im recovering well from an operation that found the real cause and am now improving daily and free of the the fearful C word or.....think you stupid stupi f*****g C**ts in the medical profession, why don´t you ever listen to your patients and admit you don´t always have the answers????????????? and save us a lot of stress and worry...and and....
Yes im having to get this off my chest...
But something good HAS come of all this...oh boy have i had months of introspection, facing the fear and finding out who my friends are....

We hurt the ones we love the most

We hurt the ones we love the most, we say
Love, hate, torturous emotions explode,
as here I lay,
In wait for the inevitable apology that comes,
far too late.
The soul doth weep,
For those words cut deep, and for eternity will keep.

They say that sticks and stones may break my bones,
But believe me Lord, those words do indeed hurt me.
And so I attempt to flee, yet empty space is all I see,
Bereft of both love and harmony.

Invisible bonds that bind me,
Untie me, but do not deny me,
What is rightfully mine, a chance to shine,
Bask in your love, Praise and Pride,
This innate need for you to provide,
Affirmation of all I hold dear,
Before it dissolves once again to be replaced,
By fear.

We hurt the ones we love the most, we boast,
Whilst all that remains is a ghost,
A former self, Embryonic, naked in its complexity,
The ultimate contradiction before you,
That person,
Is me.